Sunday, April 27, 2014

Up for air

Didja miss me? I did.* I should probably make up some story about traumatic amnesia, or accidentally hiking across the border into Crimea and being taken into custody, but who has that kind of time?

In fact, I have spent most of this past year doing things. Not particular things. The focus has been more on the doing. I tend to write when I'm feeling reflective, and -- oddly enough -- not so much during creative periods. My medium of creation is source code, grant applications, project collaborations, and business lunches. My inner child is sent to his room, and the storming part of my brain is kept on a short leash. I think very little about myself during these times, and go days at a time without so much as glancing in a mirror.

Eventually I start to feel ways about things again, and the urge to put something down on paper, or whatever this is, returns.  I have felt it coming for a while now. The culmination was probably the trip home for my uncle's funeral last week. He was a bit of a self-important blowhard and alienated a lot of people, including his kids, but somehow his passing seems to have washed much of that away. We had a wonderful time catching up with relatives who haven't spoken in years, and my uncle's shortcomings barely came up. Except for his toupee. We talked quite a bit about that.

There is a lot changing in my professional life right now -- turning of the academic year, new management, shifting roles all around -- and I will be shifting my priorities as well. Hopefully, I can use the uncertainty to break some bad habits, and maybe even become less habitual over all. I like being productive, but it's very hard to live in the moment going full speed.


* I never really planned to stop posting here, any more than I planned to write this post since before about five minutes ago. I may not write another one for a year, for all I know. What I do know is that I like having this outlet when I feel like writing, and for now I plan to keep it.

8 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your Uncle, I pray for peace for your family and you at this moment of bereavement. I recognize myself in what you said about your Uncle, and I have used it on the Internet, thanks for opening my eyes to who I am, and I hope you don't mind me using the description of your Uncle, I so love the Truth and coming to the True Understanding of my nature, but I never steal words so let me know if you mind I using your amazing gift of articulation.

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  2. Whenever you write about your professional life I feel like a raging failure, like what the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm not going full speed at all, I'm just kind of meandering and tripping over things. Should I do the full speed thing? I do not know.

    I'm sorry about your uncle. Losing people always sucks. No matter what.

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    1. That's the same way I feel when I read something you write. For the second time in a row, you are inspiring my next post. You might be my muse. I've never had a muse before. Feels weird.

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  3. Hi. Seems you've been busy. Work will do that to you.... i've been knocked off my 'get my shit together' wagon because work has kicked my ass for the past two months. While it makes me feel good about earning my paycheck, it really fucks up the balance in my life - which needs to be less work-centric or i get cranky.

    Sorry about your Uncle. The family made the best of it, though. There is no better team-building than having a common enemy (which may be too strong of a term in this case).

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    1. Thanks, Daisyfae. Common enemy is probably accurate for his kids, but he was really more of a common irritant to most of us.

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  4. Hey Chris. Good to see another well written and thoughtful post from you. I think people are at their best at a wake and a funeral. To some extent my feeling about the fundamental goodness of humanity came during a time of bereavement.

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    1. Thanks, David. I agree. Several of us wondered aloud if it was wrong that we were enjoying ourselves so much.

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